Thursday, December 15, 2011

Mixed feelings

I've been doing a lot of introspective thinking lately, and not to sound shallow, but that's something I don't do a whole lot in my life. I am usually pretty busy, I enjoy my free time, and I love my world.

But lately, things have felt different. I know that part of it is the seasons changing and not getting enough sunlight, as well as the holidays coming up and my schedule getting cramped. But there are deeper things at work here. My dad is sick and is probably going to have to undergo another stem cell transplant. My new job requires more effort than any job I've ever had, which is both wonderful and terrifying.

Then, other things happened this week to make me wistful for days gone by. A friend is getting into a new relationship with a guy she really likes, which is great for her. After over 8 years together, Dave and I are very settled in now - very little is new anymore - and even though I wouldn't trade our relationship for anything in the world, I remember the intensity of meeting him. Sometimes I would just like to feel that again, but you only meet someone like him once.

Also, I met up with an old Salzburg buddy of mine that I haven't seen since our study abroad 8 years ago. (I still cannot believe it has been 8 years, and I still haven't finished the damn photo album.) He was saying that it was the best time of his life. In a way, he was right, because it was a simpler time for me, and everything was new.

These days, I guess I feel like I am in a rut. Some of my friends that have kids have told me that they decided to have kids when they had gone about as far as they could go in their personal lives, with just the two of them. That sounds a lot like the rut I am in now. Obviously Dave and I will be taking some vacations, learning languages, decorating the home, and doing lots of other things before I decide that I am bored enough to have kids. Plus, when I mentioned this to him, I think he mentally pushed up the date for his vasectomy.

I can look through my blog posts from the last few weeks and realize that I do some really cool things in my life, and that much of it is new and interesting. I think part of the problem is that socialization doesn't seem to be enough to satisfy my extroverted side, but I don't have enough down time to satisfy my introverted side.

Going forward, I think I need to be more targeted about the way I spend my time. To that end, I have raised the minimum class size for my JoAnn crochet and knitting classes so that I will only teach classes that are worth my time and won't miss out on as many social events for classes. I need to keep exercising and running every week, because that makes me feel really good. I need to do romantic, spontaneous things for Dave, and vice versa. I need to finish some long-overdue projects.

And I need to learn how to say "no" to more things and make room both for myself and the people in my life that I don't see often enough!

Maybe these are some early new year's resolutions, although I'd hate to call them that. Let's call them Val's Resolutions for Continued Mental Health.

1 comment:

Julie said...

This sounds a lot like how I felt when I was adjusting to my job. Jamie used to say "how can you complain about being bored? You have stuff going on every night of the week. You are constantly double booked. What more do you want to do???" That made me laugh, but he was completely right. And I completely agree about the running--exercise makes all the difference for me.