Lesson #3: Etiquette Matters

Things I learned at my first job
(Third in a series)

"In this world, you must be oh-so-smart or oh-so-pleasant. Well, for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant." - Jimmy Stewart in "Harvey"

When I started work out of college, one of the things that most surprised me was how much corporate etiquette is involved in the work day. If they haven't already, sociologists should conduct a study about social rules as they relate to corporate environments.

For example, some people think it's perfectly all right to blow their noses during a meeting, and others think it's the most rude and vile action ever to disgrace the board room. Some people park in handicap and visitor spaces, perhaps hoping no one recognizes their car (or not caring either way).

Though, there seem to be some solid rules that everyone seems to be able to agree on:

If you go to someone's office and they're on the phone or talking to other people, just come back later or leave a note. No one likes it when you stand outside their office and hover. And, keep your voice down when you're on a personal phone call, and try not to talk on your cell phone. No one wants to hear about Uncle Jimmy's colonoscopy.

However, there are other rules that no one can agree on — or that no one wants to talk about. For example, bathroom etiquette.

I have heard some disturbing noises from stall-mates over the years, which I would rather not discuss in detail. I realize people can't help it if a noise escapes here or there, but when you know someone else is sharing the bathroom with you at that particular moment in time, can you hold back the grunts, at least? Good lord.

Ugly ornament contest, 2004

The last piece of etiquette that I really wanted to discuss is the delicate issue of lunch. Who goes to lunch together, and who doesn't; who's included in take-out orders, who goes out for an after-work drink...etc.

Over the years at this job and others, I have found that lunch cliques form, linger, and shift around as time goes on. It's difficult to predict who will be accepted into a clique and who will be rejected. Sometimes the most unlikely pairings will proceed to have lunch exclusively with each other for years.

However, the problem with the clique system is that people are actually hurt when they are excluded from group lunches. Lunch is really the only time when coworkers get to talk to each other outside of the building, so you can see how people might be hurt when they're left out (intentionally or not) of the only social interaction time available.

What made the whole lunch clique thing most frustrating and confusing for me was that I didn't really belong to one; I have tried to maintain good relations with everyone at the company, so most of the time I had my pick of who to go to lunch with.

My first month at work, July 2004

Unfortunately, two problems occurred with my happy-go-lucky lunching. For one, just because I get along with everyone doesn't mean everyone gets along with each other. I felt myself being excluded from some groups because I went to lunch with others — and this all felt very childish to me. The other problem was that as old coworker friends left and shy newbies came in, I definitely found myself getting invited to lunch less and less.

So, I still don't understand the lunch clique phenomenon, and I probably never will — no more than I will understand the weird bathroom noises or the people who interrupt others.

But there's one rule you can always count on — if you think something will bother someone, disgust someone, or hurt someone, you should probably refrain.

And, invite an "outsider" to lunch once in a while. They — and you — might enjoy it.